Yesterday, I pulled into my driveway, and my neighbor on the other side of the street pulled into her driveway a few seconds after me, but OBVIOUSLY didn’t see me. They have 300 acres, and pretty much everything is hidden except for the mailbox and beginning of the driveway. So, she pulls up and as she goes to open the gate, she notices she has a package. She opens the door, and Pearl Jam is absolutely blasting out of the car. Now first of all, I didn’t know anyone listened to Pearl Jam anymore, and certainly not someone who is 62. But I don’t listen to anything, so maybe I am not current with what is “good music” (although I still say good and Pearl Jam don’t belong in the same sentence).
So she bends down to pick up the package and throws it into the trunk. She does some little dance thing and starts to head back to the front of the car. Then apparently some unknown force from the dark side compels her to go back to the trunk, and twerk to Pearl Jam of all things. Again, perhaps I am out of the twerking music loop, but I am thinking Pearl Jam is not a top ten twerker (why yes I am very proud of myself for using those words in a sentence)! Now, one time could easily be explained as some sort of seizure, but this was repetitive. However, my very favorite part was when she couldn’t get up the last time, and had to sort of fall over and climb up using the fence post- let me tell you people – SUPER HOT!!! What can I say is, she twerked once too much.
I realize at this point, the logical thought going through your head is that I must be mistaken, and don’t know what twerking looks like. But rest assured, even though I had a proper upbringing, and because of this am not able to twerk, I do in fact know what it looks like, and this most definitely was it. So after she climbed up using the fence post, it took her a minute to stand up straight. She looks around and apparently decides the moment has passed (I would assume good twerking moments are hard to come by), and starts to go back to the car. This was the moment I had to make a choice, our Christmas card was riding on this exact second in time! I thought long and hard, was it worth the empty spot on the mantle, where the card would go? Would I have time to become close enough friends with someone else in enough time to secure a new Christmas card? These thoughts ran around my head in mass confusion until in a moment of clarity it came to me: you MUST let her know you saw her twerking! Do it for the children, no child should have to see that! She had to be stopped… Christmas card or not, this couldn’t happen again.
So, I threw my hand up in the biggest wave possible and yelled (even though she was less than 100 feet away) “Hi, *insert name here*!” It took her a second to orient where the sound was coming from, but once she saw me, a look of complete terror spread across her face! It was something I thought was only reserved for roller coasters right before you go down the big dip. But no, there it was in all its glory, and all for me. She didn’t say anything, so this time I called louder and waved bigger. She finally emitted the strangest sound, not sure how else to describe it other than all hope escaping from her. It was obvious I had seen everything, and there was nothing left to say. She turned around and ran (yes, seriously
ran to her car), drove in the gate, and used the remote to close it.
I have no idea what on earth would possess a full grown 62 year old woman to twerk in the middle of the road (her driveway is inches off the road), especially when she could go less than 50 feet and be completely unseen for the next 300 ACRES. But it is obvious my next step is to start making new friends; I figure if I start now, I should at least get one new Christmas card!
So here is my PSA – don’t twerk in the street if you don’t want everyone to see it. OK ,you know what? Actually just don’t twerk AT ALL!!