Oh my gosh, I almost wet myself!

So, DH and I were in our bedroom, and I saw a strange yellow light. It only flashed once, so following the “it has to happen twice before it could be anything bad and require DH to go outside late at night alone” rule, so I chose not to inform DH of this obviously harmless light. We watched a movie and as we were getting ready to fall asleep, DS comes in, sees us still up, and says “Oh, are you guys going somewhere?” I love this question for so many reasons. First, it implies we are in the habit of taking late night jaunts, totally unannounced. I wonder if he thinks we are like the 12 dancing princesses, off to an evening of dancing to wear out our shoes? Only this time, the clever fellow caught us in the act before we made good our escape. Second, we were in our PJs, not sure where he felt a night gown and boxers would be proper attire, but apparently in his world, actual clothing was optional. Third, we were in our bed with the lights off, on our phones. Not sure what the thought process was there, perhaps we were taking a nap before our midnight journey? Or maybe we might have rockets on the bed and were about to blast off. Yeah, no idea… obviously this line of thought comes from DH’s side of the family.

So after a rather confused look on our faces, we say “No ,why?” DS says, “I saw the car head lights are on, so I thought you were leaving.” Quite honestly, this was slightly terrifying, but we do have a clicker that can turn the lights on. So technically, one of the littles could have gotten hold of it and turned them on. This would, of course, imply we were blind for the last two hours we were watching a movie, because we were staring in the direction of the car. But in times of crisis, one must come up with all possible reasons why this does not require investigation, instead calling for the sticking of one’s head under the covers.

We tell DS that no, he hasn’t discovered our escape plan (yet… we are tricky), and that the clicker must have turned them on.  So just head off to bed and we will take care of it. I felt like at this point the only logical choice was to get the whole family together and sit in the bath tub with a blanket over our heads, lock the bathroom door, and wait until morning. After all, if it works for a tornado, it must be a good idea! DH however had the most absurd idea of actually looking out the window to see what was going on (you can see where DS’ thinking comes from). After a few more helpful suggestions from me that involved everything BUT looking outside (I have to say checking under the bed until morning was brilliant), he peeks out. He says that the head lights aren’t on, the hazards are. This piece of information is exceptionally horrific, because that means someone is IN THE CAR!! There is no other way to turn them on!

Obviously, the options have been seriously limited. We can run in circles screaming, “What will we do?!?!” or just drop dead from fear right then. As usual DH comes up with another crazy idea of going outside!!! It is like those scary movies where they find a head in the toilet, and go to warn the others. No!! You never do this! You just run and find new friends later. I am sure they were lovely friends, but seriously people, there is a head in the toilet, it’s time to go!

At this point I decide we should call the police.  DH then informs me that he is actually a police officer, and has not been engaging in a rousing game of dress up for almost 20 years. I reply that I know that, but I meant the REAL police. He, of course, took the comment in the best way possible and had we not all been about to be murdered by the hazard light killer, it might have lead to a quite interesting and potentially loud conversation. Sadly, we have anywhere from a 12 to 30 min response time from the county sheriff, so at this point, we have to decide:

  1. We either call and wait, while praying whoever is in the car patiently waits in the car with the hazards on.
  2. We see who it is.

As you can imagine, I voted for the wait and pray method but DH and the dog voted for the latter (still not sure why the dog got to vote). After losing the vote, I decide we should look out the window one more time, just in case maybe everything miraculously was better. Sadly this was not the case, however, when we did check we couldn’t see any shapes, but there appeared to be movement. Now not only where we dealing with the hazard light killer, we were dealing with a headless hazard light killer. This piece of information made DH feel more at peace, because it appeared no one was in the car, but obviously it only meant they were an extra small hazard light killer (still headless of course). At this point, he and the dog (she will never get another bone from me, her politics are terrible!) decided he should go outside. Now, as the dutiful police officer/firefighter wife that I am, I know his gun is not enough, and I feel the need to provide back-up for him.

Back-up can be provided in many helpful ways. My way was to hang on him and beg him not to go (I am a professional, don’t try this at home). In fairness, I had no choice! Who wants to be the widow of a victim of the extra small, headless (of course) hazard light killer? I mean, could you imagine that on a tombstone?

“Here lies a man who gave his life protecting his family from the extra small,headless (of course) hazard light killer…”

No, it just doesn’t work, even the dog wouldn’t be impressed. My next suggestion is to send the dog out first (I will teach her to vote against me!). But, as usual, my genius is not appreciated and I am told that having the dog scare whoever it is (or, as I have started calling them, the ESHOCHLK) away won’t help and it is better to investigate. Now at this point, I feel like I should clarify a few things: DH was able to see enough to know the car was empty, and you should always call the police if you are concerned. So with cell phone in hand, I stood at the window as DH slowly approached the car. At first he came from the back, them proceed to move to the side and then just casually flung open the door. Out jumped a very annoyed cat! Apparently we didn’t respond to her first signal so she had to resort to a more obvious approach.

Clearly this story could have had a very bad ending and she could have died from heat exposure. Actually, two bad endings… we could have all been killed by the extra small headless (of course) hazard light killer! Cause, you know that wouldn’t have been good either! But thankfully, it was later when we got home and it wasn’t a hot day because of all the rain. We are so careful to check for kids but this is the first time she has ever even gotten close to the car, let alone went inside it.

From now on we will have to check for kids, cats, and extra small, headless (of course) hazard light killers… because you just never know, do you?

Guess we aren’t getting a Christmas card this year!

Yesterday, I pulled into my driveway, and my neighbor on the other side of the street pulled into her driveway a few seconds after me, but OBVIOUSLY didn’t see me.  They have 300 acres, and pretty much everything is hidden except for the mailbox and beginning of the driveway.  So, she pulls up and as she goes to open the gate, she notices she has a package.  She opens the door, and Pearl Jam is absolutely blasting out of the car.  Now first of all, I didn’t know anyone listened to Pearl Jam anymore, and certainly not someone who is 62.  But I don’t listen to anything, so maybe I am not current with what is “good music” (although I still say good and Pearl Jam don’t belong in the same sentence).

So she bends down to pick up the package and throws it into the trunk.  She does some little dance thing and starts to head back to the front of the car.  Then apparently some unknown force from the dark side compels her to go back to the trunk, and twerk to Pearl Jam of all things.  Again, perhaps I am out of the twerking music loop, but I am thinking Pearl Jam is not a top ten twerker (why yes I am very proud of myself for using those words in a sentence)!  Now, one time could easily be explained as some sort of seizure, but this was repetitive.  However, my very favorite part was when she couldn’t get up the last time, and had to sort of fall over and climb up using the fence post- let me tell you people – SUPER HOT!!!  What can I say is, she twerked once too much.

I realize at this point, the logical thought going through your head is that I must be mistaken, and don’t know what twerking looks like.  But rest assured, even though I had a proper upbringing, and because of this am not able to twerk, I do in fact know what it looks like, and this most definitely was it.  So after she climbed up using the fence post, it took her a minute to stand up straight.  She looks around and apparently decides the moment has passed (I would assume good twerking moments are hard to come by), and starts to go back to the car.  This was the moment I had to make a choice, our Christmas card was riding on this exact second in time!  I thought long and hard, was it worth the empty spot on the mantle, where the card would go?  Would I have time to become close enough friends with someone else in enough time to secure a new Christmas card? These thoughts ran around my head in mass confusion until in a moment of clarity it came to me: you MUST let her know you saw her twerking!  Do it for the children, no child should have to see that!  She had to be stopped… Christmas card or not, this couldn’t happen again.

So, I threw my hand up in the biggest wave possible and yelled (even though she was less than 100 feet away) “Hi, *insert name here*!”  It took her a second to orient where the sound was coming from, but once she saw me, a look of complete terror spread across her face!  It was something I thought was only reserved for roller coasters right before you go down the big dip.  But no, there it was in all its glory, and all for me.  She didn’t say anything, so this time I called louder and waved bigger.  She finally emitted the strangest sound, not sure how else to describe it other than all hope escaping from her.  It was obvious I had seen everything, and there was nothing left to say.  She turned around and ran (yes, seriously
ran to her car), drove in the gate, and used the remote to close it.

I have no idea what on earth would possess a full grown 62 year old woman to twerk in the middle of the road (her driveway is inches off the road), especially when she could go less than 50 feet and be completely unseen for the next 300 ACRES.  But it is obvious my next step is to start making new friends; I figure if I start now, I should at least get one new Christmas card!

So here is my PSA – don’t twerk in the street if you don’t want everyone to see it.  OK ,you know what?  Actually just don’t twerk AT ALL!!